Dysfunctional Obsession
by TaeGyeong Yoon
Royal College of Art
Contemporary Art Practice: Critical Practice 2018 CHS Dissertation
‘The normativity of this non-unitary subject of becoming is in-built in the monistic ontology that sustains its material and yet vitalist processes of self-actualization occur through encounters and transformations. Life itself is a self-emerging process that aims at sustainable modes, times and forms of becoming.’ [1]
1. R.,Braidotti, (ed.), P., Pisters (ed.), Revisiting Normativity with Deleuze, Bloomsbury Academic, Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 2012, p. 2
‘It is by the gestures that touch and move us –
and by the gestures that we, in timely response,
are moved to make –
that we must be, will be, measured
and called for the second time.’ [2]
2. D.M., Kleinberg-Levin, Gestures of Ethical Life: reading Holderlin’s question of measure after Heidegger, Standford University Press, California, 2005, p.1
Acknowledgement
The graph figures in this text are to aid the readers understanding of the mechanical values of various equations devised from descriptions of various experiences. The values of ‘x’, ‘y’, ‘a’, ‘b’ and ‘c’, are created from the dissected accounts of various ‘encounters’, and therefore the graphs figuratively correspond the chapters and their content. All chapters in this text are true to their descriptions, none of these are of fictional nature.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
a = -0.1, b = 0, c = -10
Introduction
ax² + bx + c = 0, a ≠ 0
Chapter 2
a = -1, b = 3, c = 5
Introduction
-b ± √b²-4ac/2a
Chapter 3
a = 0, b = -6.7, c = -10
Introduction
√(-x) = i√x
Chapter 4
a = -5, b = 4, c = 6
Introduction
x/a + y/b = 1
References
Bibliography
Chapter 1
‘A strange measure… certainly not a palpable stick or rod but, in truth, simpler to handle than they, provided our hands do not abruptly grasp but are guided by gestures befitting the measure.’(Heidegger)[3]
An encounter,[4] beginning from moving through space[5]. Not particularly the trail of wind that followed, swinging as if shadowing, but the way the hand, the wrist, the waist, the shoulders, the pelvic muscles, the knees and thighs moved in chronological order, navigating through air at a specific aim[6]. This precise motion made an impact[7], an impact that was the first encounter with a small but not so small, target. The feeling of the first impact could not be reproduced; soon it became one of many encounters, belonging to a routine. Becoming of familiarity, it lost that distinction. This is a description of an experience.
Introduction to y, the first configuration of my bodily gesture as means of distinctions between ‘I’ and, ‘the rest’, these encounters advanced into an agonist-antagonist[8] pendulum constituting of momentum, speed and rhythm. This encounter progressed into a routine-gesture that inhabited these abstract yet precise elements to do with time and movement, or, better put, movement in time. The physical motion became gestures of its own, which amalgamated the encounter and I. Absorbed in the motion and the gesture of these routines, it also demonstrated that the minute angular differences of the placement of the arms, torso, hips and head amidst the performance of the gesture, swayed the ultimate result, at the moment of precise impact[9]. The control of rhythm at different sections of the momentum formed hypostases of the definitive trajectory that everything relied on.
[1] 3. D.M., Kleinberg-Levin, Gestures of Ethical Life: reading Holderlin’s question of measure after Heidegger, Stanford University Press, California, 2005, Ack., p.3
[2]4. Encounter: ‘Unexpectedly be faced with or experience (something hostile of difficult)’ or to ‘Meet (someone) unexpectedly’, is the Oxford Dictionary definition; however, throughout this text, the word Encounter will be used to describe the initial starting points of various incidents and events that are later described that are bound as means of acknowledgement of gesture of these starting points that manifest a certain meaning, or meaning that is soon to come. This term does not have any relativity to that used by Deleuze’s mentioning of ‘encounter’ in concepts of defining ‘Normativity’ or Althusser’s writing on the Philosophy of the Encounter, 1978 – 1987.
[3]5. Space: ‘An interval of time (often used to suggest that the time is short considering what has happened or been achieved in it)’ and, ‘The dimensions of height, depth, and width within which all things exist and move’ are the Oxford Dictionary definitions considered as appropriate in explanation in the given context.
[4] 6. Aim: The intention of the word Aim here refers to a detailed bodily account of the individual segments of a golf swing and the ultimate aim being the accurate trajectory of the path of the ball in mid-air until reaching the desired destination and distance on the golf course.
[5]7. Impact: ‘the action of one object coming forcibly into contact with another’, is the Oxford Dictionary definition; Throughout this text, impact will mean precisely this however, where impact does not necessarily always mean the physical impact in which two objects meet, rather, the first incident in which an event or moment became the first realisation of a specific thought, feeling or conscience. In this text, an impact later becomes an encounter through manifesting reason or meaning.
[6]8. Agonist-antagonist dynamic here defines the movement similar to that of the bicep-triceps muscle of our arms that cannot function without relying on the oppositional mechanism of the other. I have used this description to specify the nature of the constant equilibrium of dilemma and tension.
[7]9. Impact here is to describe ‘the action of one object coming forcibly into contact with another.’ As in the Oxford Dictionary definition of a physical action of.
These hypostases form the equation[10] of this relationship between the gesture and I, (The impact that became an encounter, and grouping of multiple encounters that became a routine. That routine then comprising of other more precise disciplinary-routines, which became a gesture through embodying a certain goal[11]) in chronological turn, manifested into the idea of division of bodily mechanisms that enumerated to take on new definitions. Eventually, at some point although the immediate target was at sight to the left of the bodily stance, the drive behind these various gestures disintegrated the more the emphasis of the minute angles of the arms, torso, hips and head that swayed the ultimate result at the precise impact, needed dissection as study of accuracy which assured gain in precision.
Through disintegration, the directional leverage of the reasoning behind these gestural accumulations[12] had lost meaning in its original context of gestured constitution[13]. With the constitution pushed aside, what remained were only the beginnings of, as well as the understandings of, specific bodily mechanisms, the possible level of control of their functions and muscle memory of the movement that no longer needs my attention to achieve precision.
[1] 10. Equation: ‘A statement that the values of two mathematical expressions are equal’, ‘The process of equating one thing with another’, ‘A situation in which several factors must be taken into account’, ‘A symbolic representation of the changes which occur in a chemical reaction, expressed in terms of the formulae of the molecules or other species involved’, are the Oxford Dictionary definitions. Throughout this text however, the term Equation will be used similar to that of the definition, ‘A situation in which several factors must be taken into account’, at the same time, meaning a lesson learned as the whole in which all these factors came together to define the result and end of a certain situation that consisted of these ‘factors’.
[2]11. Goal: ‘The object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result’, ‘The destination of a journey’, are the Oxford Dictionary definitions. In this instance, the word Goal is to underline the ‘aim or desired result’, and the ‘destination of a journey’, as well as coinciding with the definitions of the word Constitution mentioned below.
[3] 12. Accumulations here is as means of, natures of Deterministic philosophy that mentions belief in future events that are held resultant of the past and present which is at the same time, somehow in conjunction with the laws of nature, in a sense of cause and effect which results in a specific after-effect.
[4]13. Constitution: ‘A body of fundamental principles or established precedents according to which a state or other organization is acknowledged to be governed.’, ‘The composition of something.’ are the Oxford Dictionary definitions; Constitution here has been used to demonstrate the ‘fundamental principles or established precedents’ of embodying the interests of a personal Goal.
Introduction
ax² + bx + c = 0, a ≠ 0
Take the body as x, and the hands as y. Every direction of equation of every obsessed woman or man would differ evidently; however, this text reflects one specific to the interactions of an auto-ethnographic nature. x = 1, this line represents an occurrence of an impact not yet registered as means of gesture or meaning. The progression of this relationship as chance proceeds through both major and minor experiences that stem from that first impact. As x, here is the beginning to all understanding of value for the author, this entire text might perhaps become a narcissistic entry. An enquiry regarding a rather supposedly, critical analysis system from various ‘experience formulas’, (equations) that were drawn up empirically. Not necessarily about the subject matter (the self), however, more so the process of perspective in which, a query starts manifesting itself as a kind of system over a period of time and, how it later, parasitically acted out as an entity of its own - one which admittedly, became one of several distinctive personality traits for the writer.
The body (x) here means the centre of sensors, the one which harnesses understanding. x is the body that realises, controls emotions, obsesses, makes decisions out of just and unjust reasoning, it is the universal core of beginnings of manifestations of all gestures. x, without value in y, would suggest an occurrence of an impact not yet turned to encounter. An impact where registration had not yet happened in the body of an individual therefore, manifestation of gesture had been initially absent. The hand (y) here means the manoeuvring instrument of the body. y is the hand of actions, that utilises impacts as beginnings of gestures that are later administered as gestures, before the interceptions of x. The y, without value in x, would suggest an occurrence of an impact that was reacted to, without the awareness or realisation of the body as centre. A gestural configuration that had been made without acknowledgement. The particular growing query begins with the lack of x or actually, the missing awareness of x when faced with the first impact. The beginnings of all encounters commenced off from an impact made encounter in y.
a, also plays a vital role in the statement, without this, this text will not make better sense. The role of a, is far too significant where, we will be unable to dispute the existence of the very contents of the concept that shelters behind the a and its derivatives, nevertheless, whether it is a lack of, or perhaps even an absence of. Here, the a = the love and hate relationship of the will as well as helplessness, the unknown and unreasonable drive that drives us, the comfortability of not reasoning, perhaps in some cases, it could very well be the shelter of voluntary incompetence and all procrastinating and anti-decision makings. The drive, when pointed in the wrong direction or when unpredictable in terms of motif, carries the x and y, together with its unseen contingencies.
Let us hypothesize that this drive, a, over a certain period embodies a type of obsessional streak. I want to discuss the multitude of the planes of depth and time in which an obsession may behold its enthusiast. Be that a person obsessed about another person; perhaps an ex-lover, a type of phenomena, a physical motion of some sort, and a genre of anything, any passion, any enquiry, any study into what might seem obvious; even that which is neglected by the rest of the world. There is no measurement of depth of fulfilment or hatred en-route to pursuit of this passion. My query points in the direction that which is not necessarily towards the preoccupied person and the psychoanalytic enquiry into the field of debating their craze of infatuation in itself, rather, the subject matter and its entirety that attracted the mind and heart of its beholder entirely. I want to enquire the account of this obsession, not as a type of neurosis, rather, as a repetitive practice in compulsion that one wishes to pursue and rather, as a matter of however the length of achievement, pursuit or mastery the beheld is captive in the longing of doing so.
Passion, fascination, infatuation, craze and preoccupation are primarily the ways we describe these acts of, occurrences of, the directions of, the perspectives of, that best depicts the state of the captive individual and the incessant modes are in question. This individual is an enthusiast at the conduct of pursuit, and in the state of reiteration regarding their subjects. They resemble their multi-faceted observations in uniquely personalised ways. The author wants to bring your attention to; To circumscribe the emphasis of this text onto the methodological relationship in which the enthusiast and their subjects are constantly at tension with; To enquire about the functions and the modes that comprises of our laborious practices, at the same time the repetition of questioning, recording, thus collecting that does not necessarily result in an accumulation of bettered artefacts or advanced enquiries or enhanced outcomes.
The next hypothesis then, would be that this act of litany that is executed, must demonstrate a direction of progress towards even the vaguest aim, however broad the enquired might be, whatever the nearing results show to be. On the contrary, what if there were no such pivotal movements towards a direction of their obsession despite the duration spent with or in or on it? That the state, the act itself was merely an accumulation, and that her or his satisfaction of state, mode and virtue came perhaps from the variations of accumulation in itself. How must we comprehend this as context, as application, as material, as an extended body of the practitioner or of the researcher? There are no given guidelines; there is no given law concerning the reasons behind this gravitational pull towards gathering items of knowledge, or of our attachments, or of our enquiries. I am constantly at battle of attempting to understanding why it is, and, how it is that one given person may be so intrinsically focused on one given entity, thing or field, and on the contrary, how one might be about countless fields.
Perhaps the consecutive, at the same time proceeding question would be with regards to the cycle of obsession as mode, and thus, this mode as unit to a system of obsessions. Could we then measure the variant units that consist within the obsessional system? The focus of this text aims to question; the cycles, the traits and factors of obsessions for the sake of obsessing as a repetitive process, as a progress towards limbo, as a habitual equation that one is willing to fall into for means of comfort and as food for the questioning mind; Perhaps in other words, finding motives to giving in to its seduction.
Chapter 2
An encounter as result of an accident. Not particularly the accident as event itself but more the experiencing of, as well as the timings of who was either present or absent. The heat of the city, the humidity of the asphalt, and the hectic streets that probably, through manipulated memory of hindsight, that felt guiltily comfortable to stroll through – are the main components that weave the backdrop of this particular initial point of impact. E, through her farewell that night helped consummate my first equation of logic of humanly interactions of intimate dynamics. The people, the police, the firemen and knocking down of a unisex cubicle door in chronological order with all the other probabilities in between, had helped establish countless connections between all that was improbable and, in creating an equilibrium as basis for this first encounter which, certainly, was considerably coincidental.
‘By a singular logic, the amorous subject perceives the other as a Whole (in the fashion of Paris on an autumn afternoon), and, at the same time, this Whole seems to him to involve a remainder, which he cannot express. It is the other as a whole who produces in him an aesthetic vision: he praises the other for being perfect, he glorifies himself for having chosen this perfect other; he imagines that the other wants to be loved, as he himself would want to be loved, not for one or another of his qualities, but for everything he bestows upon the other in the form of a blank word, for the Whole cannot be inventoried without being diminished’[14]
This is the introduction to c. In this imperative illustration c = unexpected variables, unlikely possibilities, unwelcomed timings, as well as contingencies. The first introduction to c was quite unexpected as is the nature of all accidents, it was undoubtedly unintentional but this event and accident took place with x and y, the addition of a cocktail of anxiety and lack of will of a close friend. The once chaotic room full of merry people enjoying their happy-hour drinks escorted out by a fairly large group of firefighters, whom soon knocked the door down to save the poor soul who had locked himself in the cubicle, who, also found to be unconscious, needed immediate supply of oxygen and stomach pumping; Thanks to the various complaints made by the people who were at the bar, this immediate rescue was possible. My poor friend from the cubicle was not asked to take any responsibility for the bar closing down eventually. At the time, no one would have been able to foresee that this acted out negatively in his future, as it turned out to be an addition to the long list of things he probably had not even realised he should have not been able get away with, without consequences.
14. R., Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments, HarperCollins Canada Ltd., Inc., Canada., 1978, p.19
The first encounter with E as well as the confirmation of various emotions of this level, from this very night could not be reproduced. The short but at the same time never-ending walk towards the bus stop and the mid-waist long dark brown curls of her hair swaying as she took turns from taking directions and making eye contact, may have been subjectively chosen memories to keep. The approximate eight square feet of space by the open window at a top of a hill, were the very establishments and the very perimeters of a smaller universe. From the first impact through to progression towards the breaking point, there were steady compilations of many discontents on one end, whereas on the other hand, also quite abrupt and haste. The first encounter of this sort were countless accumulations of never-ending c’s glided through unaware of by both parties. The probabilities of the first equation-encounter had become the fuel for dysfunction, disabling further routine-encounters from being able to occur. Hindsight lead the mind to understanding the necessity of the co-operation between the c and the a. These unexpected variables and missed timings (or perfect timings) could either fuel or dismember the drive from navigating in the productive and harmonious directions in romantic relationships. It proved that the random surfacing of the lack of control of the drive a in consecutive unexpected circumstances had led to the dysfunction of a legitimate projection of emotions.
‘Every amorous episode can be, of course, endowed with a meaning: it is generated, develops, and dies; it follows a path which it is always possible to interpret according to a casualty or a finality…’[15]
Obsession in relationships were not directed towards the subject of emotions. They were in fact obsessional elements devised from a progressive equation that developed into obsessive results from cycles shared with each individual person, often residues at the end of its course. Every intimate encounter manifested into a relationship equation. These collections of equations changed over the progression of time. Sometimes the variables changed, sometimes confusingly the equation stayed the same however, the resulting value of the equation changed. In some cases, the equation was replaced entirely depending on the consecutive equation devised from the next relationship, and in one instance, what was once a vital and solid equation, had disappeared entirely.
[115. R., Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments, HarperCollins Canada Ltd., Inc., Canada., 1978, p.7
The subconscious spiral of calculating in this context - what could have been misinterpreted or all that had gone wrong and could have been resolved another way - did not reverse the situation with improved managing with another person therefore, calculations of previous equations actually, could not be solved. The nature of such calculations had come to an end with substantiating the nature of having to settle with a certain intention and notion as a temporary end to the cycle. Each equation had its own distinguished trait as much as every individual that the distinguished equations derived from, had not shared much in common with one another regarding personal attributes. It proved that a collection of equations of this sort could not be proven, neither could it be reproduced. Perhaps collecting such relationship equations had not been for me to search for a better partner, rather, perhaps to become a better partner myself however, becoming a better partner myself could not be constructed from lessons learned, or equations realised, or from bettering the already-collected equations to best fit a new partner.
Consecutive failures of this sort had both been helpful in ways that they enumerated to take on new definitions. At the same time, the difficulty was that in consequent relationships, the companion also had to bear the weights of collected equational solutions devised from encounters that were not of their concern. Had they been conscious of these weights I am unsure of, as these amorous syntaxes had been pre-existing as default before that current encounter. The remnants were nevertheless present on my half and the resulting dysfunctional cycles were precedents in intimate relationships through presences of ever-shifting coincidences and their reoccurrences, and these very variables justified that the continuous search should come to a halt. It was made evident that accumulative equations were not the derivative to various enduring issues. On the other hand, perhaps a failure to find a system given all the components, was that the precise rule in which what would have successfully assisted soon-coming un-expectations that had not yet been found.
Introduction
-b ± √b²-4ac/2a
An obsession directed towards one's own fascination, reserves space and room for extremities. In all cases, their surrounding acquaintances are aware of the spectrum of sanity, or normality[16] regarding the obsessed subject-matter and subject. However, when one is not obsessed about their own fascinations, on the other hand, when obsessed about observing another obsessed person of their obsessions for example, this then reserves one space and room of pulling away when the given subject seems situated close to the state of breaching conditions of normality mentioned previously. Without making x and y redundant, placing yourself at a perspective to being able to exchange and glide across other people's a avoids vulnerability of oneself disorientating from their own paths. This parasitic activity had often been cushioned with excuses of, still searching and still progressing to find the personal subject matter in question.
'Not perfection as final goal and term towards which one advances, but the perfection that has to do with the coming and the presentation of a single thing inasmuch as it is formed, inasmuch as it is completely conformed to its being, in its entelechy, to use a term from Aristotle that means "a being completed in its end, perfect." Thus it is a perfection that is always in progress, but which admits no progression from one entelechy to another.'[17]
Stitching together notions of identity, influences and elaborations, justifications of each and every process of decisions of methods of materials used; I consider that they had all lived their course as complete cycles with their own closures; as much as they were genuine observations of another's a, the closure was at the same time inevitable. I do not see my portfolio of life and work as individual episodes, however, neither are they a continuum of pure, and self-derivative interests. The only connectivity over the period in which I have been attempting to create work from, stems from certain aesthetic obsessions that have now conformed into new enquiries of taste and judgement that could not be justified with theories or readings. Constant failure and feeling of loss of control now seemed to have embodied the very notions of control once thought to be as assertive as understanding of self, which was as confident as the strength of grip. Understanding that there is no equation in creating something successful (if success could be taken as an abstract vocabulary holding definitions that is bound to vary per individual), then why is it that this difficulty of finding an a in itself progressed as an enquiry instead of searching for success? Complying with ideas that suggests progress that counts as progress in itself that could be justly complete, seems intolerable.
[1] 16. Normality, ‘The condition of being normal; the state of being usual, typical, or expected’, Normal, Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected’, are the Oxford Dictionary definitions. Normality here was used to describe the vague and unmeasurable neutral point of a spectrum in which we use to categorise others.
[2]17. J.L., Nancy, The Muses, (trans.) Kamuf, Peggy, Stanford University Press, California, 1996, p.87
At this point the intentions are to bring your attention to the personal distinction of definition between preference and a. Preference in this case, exemplifies conceptions of judgement, preference as a progress of emotional or mental decision mustered upon testing and weighing which side of the scale had been the better alternative, and this repetitive pattern of choosing one rather than the other due to an influence, not the drive itself that is described as so called a.
Sceptical of the pure and authentic, the completely original type of obsession; belief came from the durability as an outcome of depth of a specific a that is projected onto the preferences, however. In such an instance, this discussion is regarding the constrictions of individual aspects that seemed to have segregated as two independent, clearly distinctive subjects that could not be mounted together personally. The application of such ideas, the anatomizing of such concepts failed to be applied to practice. This very hypocrisy has now manifested into the a that the search was set out for, into models of infinite questions instead. "Can visual preferences and taste in aesthetics be redirected as perfections of other configurations?", "What is the purpose of questioning the superficiality of rigorous aesthetic preference of others when I myself, have not been able to answer mine?"
'Eysenck (1961) proposed that there is 'some property of the central nervous system which determines aesthetic judgements, a property which is biologically derived, and which covers the whole field of visual art'; and Humphrey argued as follows: 'considered as a biological phenomenon, aesthetic preferences stem from a predisposition among animals and men to seek out experiences through which they may learn to classify the objects in the world about them. Beautiful 'structures' in nature or in art are those which facilitate the task of classification by presenting evidence of the "taxonomic" relations between things in a way which is informative and easy to grasp', (1973, p. 432) [18]
18. W.R., Crozier (ed.), A.J., Chapman (ed.), Cognitive Processes in the Perception of Art, Elsevier Science Publishers B.V, North Holland 1984, p. 9
Chapter 3
An impact made through virtual space carrying a voice from one space to another, which should have been an end to an encounter-routine-gesture, which in fact, was not an end to a cycle. The component in the conversational equation which displaced the message bearer and receiver within that connected virtual space, besides the patterned, timely lag which is normally present during all virtual conversations, was the progressive thinking that was present despite the encompassing momentary halt of bodily functions such as breathing and blinking in addition to the immobility of the gaze, the lips, the tongue, the chin, the jaws and neck. The transmitter and the receiver of both gadgets hardly had sound waves to carry through to get this message across. Probably, the satellite that transmitted the signals to connect the two polar voices to virtually communicate in silence, worked harder to transmit the signals of both verbal and physical pauses, than the working amount of the actual vocal chords and eardrums of the two people needing to convey and receive the news.
‘Endlessly I sustain the discourse of the beloved’s absence; actually a preposterous situation; the other is absent as referent, present as allocutory. This singular distortion generates a kind of insupportable present; I am wedged between two tenses, that of the reference and that of the allocution: you have gone (which I lament), you are here (since I am addressing you). Whereupon I know what the present, that difficult tense, is: a pure portion of anxiety.’[20]
There were indistinct cracklings in the background, perhaps a mistuned radio, or music not quite registered in the working perimeters of the microphone, or an unscrewed bit of the earpiece of the gadget held in the right hand. Most likely, it was due the numbers of users of the application, or could have been all of the reasons above. The time lags followed by echoes of the voice, moments after spoken words, did not matter much as the lag and echoes of the brief vocal conversation were diluted by the white noise. The first of its kind, this particular encounter was one that did not have a beginning or an end to its cyclical course. The denial of comprehension of this end to an encounter had not begun from equations earned, or experienced, it was merely present one day as a result to a singular physical presence that was replaced by physical absence.
[20] R., Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments, HarperCollins Canada Ltd., Inc., Canada., 1978, p.15
Grief displaced thinking, feeling and life. As if, the idea of living had not been a part of life. The absorption demonstrated that minute angular differences of the placement of notions in never-ending priorities that come together to define what life meant, swayed the ultimate understanding at the moment of this precise impact. The control of rhythmical placing and prioritizing of what the hypostases constituted of, failed to reciprocate. The persistent cycle of unending equations relapsed at unexpected situations and instances, especially when grief for Y brought recollections of the past. This displacement had shifted and manipulated all other equations to seize existing, as analogy from post and pre grief did not correspond at any plane of thought or understanding. A repetitive question regarding the subject of grief was whether the characteristic of a specific grief of a specific person depend on the characteristic of the grieved individual. Is one type of grief variant depending on the variant characteristics of the grieving or the grieved? What was once thought as concrete had been proved to be counterproductive and fruitless, that they there were precedents in the constructs of the will of the mind, which could not be justified and reasoned with doubt and continued questioning.
A dozen consecutive rollercoaster rides proved to be more of a physical demand for two ten year olds as their Levator Scapulae[21] were sprained during the process of attempting to win over the gravitational pull of the head during those numerous rides. Our glee of that following morning of medically approved absence from school could not be reproduced. Y had always been the cheekier one, with hindsight I wonder if she had the calculations for the consecutive events, as she had been the one whom insistently suggested in continuing.
Obsession in recollecting to salvage any missed glimpse of any moment spent with an absent individual, if the a behind it was to be able to cherish these moments, seemed quite irrelative to healthiness. The desperate documenting of such moments in grief initially had been joyful re-encounters that soon in repetition, became routine-gestures. These routine-gestures advanced into an agonist-antagonist pendulum constituting of contentment, heartache and idleness that rocked back and forth between accumulation of cherished memories and the guilt of lack of recollection for Y.
[21] Levator Scapulae; a) Levator: ‘A muscle whose contraction causes the raising of a part of the body.’;
b) Scapulae, ‘Technical term for shoulder blade’ are the separate Oxford Dictionary definitions;
c) Levator Scapulae: together is a term for the muscles at either side of the neck of a human, connecting the collar bones to the spine just below the jaws.
This is an introduction to b, the last configuration of my bodily gesture as means of distinctions between ‘I’ and, ‘the rest’. b = blame and criticism of cyclical natures. This notion of blame is not directed towards another person nor is it directed towards any other sort of agency. This blame is self-inflicted, self-aimed and is self-resolved, self-buried or perhaps brings obliteration to thought. b orchestrates a certain angle towards the direction of which the a follows through with a certain strength of will and force. c then functions as a catalytic agent that then fires the readied canon of dysfunction towards an unknown destination. The equilibrium in force of the grieving pendulum alternates in various speeds and the routine-gesture of the back and forth is unmeasurable. The obsession in grief derived from the b being directed towards the self, soon developed into a semi-permeable coat of protection disabling genuine grief in further progressing. The seduction of the self-defence mechanism at work which one is unaware of, was proved to have long lasting side effects in facing realities. The mechanism is still at work in some way or another however, without any other variables to be replaced with, the momentum of this pendulum remains with its current characteristics.
Introduction
√(-x) = i√x
The explained bodily, evolutionary processes of biologically derived aesthetic preference systems in various journals and research analyses however, do not answer any of the questions regarding the magnitude of this aesthetic preference that affected me as an artist and my/these aesthetic preferences are those that are in question as one of many obsessions. As superficial as the question was, the subject matter itself was simpler than anticipated. The importance of such aesthetic preference, the search for this drive I labelled as a, had been answered through the process of emphasizing the use of x, overthrowing all connotations a should have suggested instead. The new cycle beginning with the laborious, tedious, repetitive modes of creating and working had become a vital instrument in hopes to achieve the purpose of fulfilling a superficial exhibition of a creative looking canvas.
Recent studies of the mental portfolio demonstrate hopes of disposing such personal perfunctory displays of work, while at the same time, still continuing questioning. Is there a necessity to create a functioning machine that does not serve any tangible function, that does not attribute to the quality of life of another? Contemplating these questions do not serve a purpose either. Amidst this supposedly "critical" thinking, these are questions that commemorate the abyss of permeable concrete. Compulsive questioning obliterated creativity. The gestural equations had turned out to simplify with the value of the imaginary number i, which was originally set out as guidelines to keep the self from dangerous territories with the best intention of searching for this non-existent a, however, had instead, through contemplating, seemed to have fed the never-ending void into ungraspable expansion.
'Aristotle defined the human being as … a definition commonly translated today as “the animal capable of reason or speech,” or, as we might say without venturing far from this interpretation: “the animal capable of giving a reflectively rational account of itself.”'[22]
The failed attempts to remove and avoid this void, advanced into considering a, as an always shifting, preference-prone vulnerability. If this dysfunctional system of obsessively looking to latch onto a subject-matter, questioning aspects of what is controllable needs to stop somewhere, it might as well be the current, precise decision making moment, right now. However, the stronger the need to interfere with this expansion, it must at the same time mean that it is necessary to begin anew with hopes to break away and thus rid all the complications of questioning and begin working again. However, it burgeons to feel as though it cannot be de-attached from, rather, realisation is that this ‘it’ must be distracted instead as means of gaining freedom. The exact way the other, meaning, the nature of the need to categorise episodes as equations also needs another equation to be able to be lured into distraction. What was once comprehended as "critical thinking" had actually been "eradicative thinking", a repetitive cycle, a repetitive dysfunctional cycle, that is generated, then prospers on questions, then obliterates when consulting another's practice, only to regenerate as means to halt all personal encounters to start afresh.
[22] D.M., Kleinberg-Levin, Gestures of Ethical Life: reading Holderlin’s question of measure after Heidegger, Stanford University Press, California, 2005, p. 5.
To counter-advise this negativity on the other end of the weighing scale is a different perspective proposing, what if this ‘eradicative thinking’ became the a itself as the sameself[23]? To create either symbols, systems, units, to attempt to measure weights of thought, or to attempt tangibly representing, the thinking-scale into physical work. An attempt to find balance through mapping out the dysfunctional system itself. The gestures of repetition of routines of encounters had not actually diminished – another realisation out of the continual, constant and short-lived realisation was the fact that this itself as process then too, reiterates.
'But this completion without end- or rather, this finite finishing if one attempts to understand thereby a completion that limits itself to what it is, but that, to achieve that very thing, opens the possibility of another completion, and that is therefore also infinite finishing – this paradoxical mode of per-fection is doubtless what our whole tradition demands one to think and avoids thinking at the same time.'[24]
Reiteration takes incessant modes of cyclical occupation in one’s mind when continued without a aiml or target. This manifestation slowly spreads its shades of gradation over the most intimate aspects of life. The mind plays deceitful games when it comes to justifying such intentions of reiterations especially when it comes to the matters of the heart. Grieving and addiction, were examples of those that best served their teleological cycles of self-deceit. It was never complete, it never ended, it revisits in relapsing cycles perhaps only measurable from the perspective of a higher entity if it exists, although we never eventually are able to comprehend the final scale of these relapsing moments, we witness glimpses here and there and those that are responsible for our natural and wilful reactions of those moments.
‘subjugated to the great narrative Other, to that general opinion which disparages any excessive force and wants the subject himself to reduce the great imaginary current, the orderless, endless stream which is passing through him, to a painful, morbid crisis of which he must be cured, which he must “get over” (it develops, grows, causes suffering, and passes away in the fashion of some Hippocratic disease): the love story (the “episode”, the “adventure”) is the best tribute the lover must pay to the world in order to be reconciled with it.[25]
23. Being the one mentioned or in question: identical – Merriam Webster Definition
[24. J.L., Nancy, The Muses, Stanford University Press, California, 1996, (trans.) P., Kamuf, (ed.) W., Hamacher, (ed.) D.E., Wellbery, 1996, p. 87
[25.R., Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments, HarperCollins Canada Ltd., Inc., Canada., 1978, p7
Chpater 4
A strange encounter of an unwanted impact on an unfamiliar dogleg-fairway[26], estimating where the pin ought to be situated, swinging the number four iron[27] in a ditch against the wind with a sprained left platysma[28] and a blistered right palm, the situation threw me back to the first encounter and the glorification that followed. However, right now this weather, these injuries and worsened score reminds me of the individual physical qualities of the momentum required for a good trajectory and a good chance of coming runner up. Swinging for a simulation shot in that situation, playing nationally felt as if it had brought with it nothing but muscle memory of a good golf swing and squatting in that ditch for a chance to recover the current game in the rain. The first subject matter requiring precise analysis, with hindsight, had shaped this mentality and physicality in specific ways. Reciprocating the environment for better outcomes through observation of details and weighing out chances according to options and alternatives, it required methodological thinking through calculation and elimination. However, life occurrences and surrounding environments we facilitate through cannot be weighed and analysed in that fashion.
‘I am not in space and time [like some inanimate object], nor do I conceive space and time [as if I were a transcendental subject]; I belong to them, my body combines with them and includes them. The scope of this inclusion is the measure of that of my existence; but in any case, it can never be all-embracing. The space and time which I inhabit are always in their different ways indeterminate horizons…The synthesis of both time and space is a task that always has to be performed afresh. (PP, 164/140)’[29]
The obsession of range, precision and control of various swings according to scenarios of facing diverse slopes and the earth type that compromises it, the different grass types and their lengths, direction and strength of wind, the time of the day, the humidity of sand and the decision-making processes that followed these environmental hazards were not just a type of concern or focus, it was ‘me’ for as long as memory functioned consciously and subconsciously. However, on that dogleg fairway, in those precise circumstances of reconfirming my physical existence within those very conditions, the a of that equation disappeared. With the a dismembered and fragmented physically from the equation, the continual search for drive expanded. The nature of the new expansion was obsessive, it now manifests a perversion branched out towards everything that divides and encloses every demeanour and facet of every corner of what could be described as, everything that interpolates between living and communicating.
26. Dogleg-Fairway: ‘A hole at which the player cannot aim directly at the green from the tee.’, is the Oxford Dictionary Definition. To be more precise, it is when the aim cannot be calculated precisely through sight, but dependent on the calculations of various distances and natural hazards such as wind speed and direction etc.
27. Iron: ‘A golf club with a metal head (typically with a numerical indicating the degree to which the head is angled in order to loft the ball’, is the Oxford Dictionary Definition.
28. Platysma: ‘A broad sheet of muscle fibres extending from the collarbone to the angle of the jaw.’, is the Oxford Dictionary Definition.
29. D.M., Kleinberg-Levin, Gestures of Ethical Life: reading Holderlin’s question of measure after Heidegger, Stanford University Press, California, 2005, p.282 The text gives way to a comment on what Merleau-Ponty had mentioned from another passage.
The focal point here is not that golf had been definitive confirmations of many things. Confirmation of capability, of attention, of gratification and identity, the circumscription here, points towards realisation of an understanding. Understanding that meant that, everything in between, from a certain function of that certain body part to something as instant as a specific trail of thought, had to all be put on a pedestal that needed constant testing. Testing here does not mean that accumulation of consecutive tests will result in a bettered system, (as does with experiments) as, this mode of mentality may apply to the restrictive boundaries of thought, not action, when measuring for decisions in life out of golf or physical control. Recollection of the thinking processes that followed since this first encounter coming to its’ closure suggested need for decisiveness through-to every action took, and that, that assertiveness in fact, depicted unknown scepticisms with unsure intentions or agendas. It was the first heightened reaction as result of a realization. At that moment, it was unclear to dictate what direction one assertive decision would address, although, the presence of some assurance was, that these decisions would not lead one to dangerous territories, and that confidence of certain understanding of self was as firm as the certainty of strength of grip. This certainty led to a systematic method exploring the broad and vast, hoping for the possibility of application of a system as such, in various aspects of encounters yet to arrive.
‘Philosophy must constitute itself as the theory of what we are doing, not as a theory of what there is. What we do has its principles; and being can only be grasped as the object of a synthetic relation with the very principles of what we do.’, Deleuze (1991a:133), also see Braidotti & Pisters (eds.) (2012:12)[30].
Exploration of the broad and vast according to personal definitions of things between assertiveness and doubt, expanded in a similar fashion to how cancer cells multiply given the right environment to prosper. At times conscious of the changes, at others unaware, the search was regarding discovering the bettered system, consisting of bettered equations, and those better equations acquired from better perspectives as result of exploring the immediate, and surrounding world and all of which, comes with the given environment and the given circumstances; The people, their traits, their limitations, their responsibilities, their interactions and methods of interactions, the expressions, the emotional capacities, their similarities and differences. The emphasis was always in the mental space channelling inwards the accessible physical distance, which through new intimacies, allowed acquaintances with new inspirations, obsessions, routines as well as expectations. Had there been strength in foresight rather than hindsight with respects to the narrowness in personal distinction of the broad and vast, perhaps the patterned, mathematic rule in which makes encounters possible would have been found, a key to actual understanding of surviving these mental processes without dysfunction may have been possible.
30. R.,Braidotti, (ed.), P., Pisters (ed.), Revisiting Normativity with Deleuze, Bloomsbury Academic, Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 2012, p.12
'If the results obtained from the different measure agree, the degree of confidence in the collective results will obviously be greater than that associated with the results obtained from any single measure.' [31]
31. D.W., Galenson, Old Masters and Young Geniuses, Princeton University Press, New Jersey, 2006, p.21
Introduction
x/a + y/b = 1
To postulate that x, here means the direction and subject of my desire and that, y, defines the manoeuvring through these desires as means of understanding, then could we hypothesize a certain goal and target of where certain decision makings were grounded from and to better understand the purpose of the obsessional strand as mode of analysis? That to better inform the subject matter (the self), could perhaps then serve as guide as the autonomous decision maker in creative processes and in, and through, the practice? The next proceeding question would be then, the need to realise whether the obsession itself came from either desire itself as the ontology in question, or rather, could it be the lack of this entity, therefore, which manifested in disguise of obsession to enable further progression?
Take the body as x, and the hands as y. Every desire in the equation of every woman and man would differ evidently; however this text reflects one specific to the interactions of the auto-ethnographical natures of the enquiry. x = 1, this line represents an occurrence of an impact not yet registered as means of gesture of desire. The progression of this relationship as chance when processed in conjunction with the act of obsessing would bring about the various definitions of both major and minor experiences that stem from that first impact as various encounters. As x, here marks the starting point of all understandings for the author, this entire text might become a rather narcissistic entry to further develop experience as research into deeper understandings of these various equations that are ultimately, results of these encounters. This entire text is an enquiry, regarding a rather supposedly, critical analysis system from various ‘experience formulas’, or equations, that were drawn up empirically. Not necessarily about the subject matter (the self), however, more so the processing of perspective at each and every point of questioning and reiterating, which adapted a mode of growth rather incessantly over a period of time.
Every encounter manifested cyclical dynamics with a clear start and an unclear finish, the result suggesting emotional conflict between relief and sorrow from a dissatisfactory completion of an uncertain task. This also meant that once a cycle of equation had ran its course of obsessive attention to details of the heart as means of analysis, some memories of these details relative to the subject of equation had also eventually obliterated together with the cyclical dynamic of the encounter of the obsessed analytic. The uncomprehensive but compulsory mode as dynamic, had become an incipit when revisited, unclear of true definitions through lost details as such, however, stood canonically in the mind as relatively faithful guidelines to navigate with, through to each action and decisions that were made, which undoubtedly could have been further edited, despite of all the openings of loopholes that a foolish analyst established themselves quite rigorously.
References
Barthes, R., A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments, Harper Collins Canada Ltd. Inc., Canada, 1978.
Braidotti, R. (ed.), Pisters, P. (ed.), Revisiting Normativity with Deleuze, Bloomsbury Academic, Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 2012.
Crozier, W.R (ed.), Chapman, A.J (ed.) Cognitive Processes in the Perception of Art, Elsevier Science Publishers B.V, North Holland, 1984.
Galenson, David W., Old Masters and Young Geniuses, Princeton University Press, 2006.
Kleinberg-Levin, D.M., Gestures of Ethical Life: reading Holderlin’s question of measure after Heidegger, Stanford University Press, 1939.
Nancy, J.L., The Muses, (trans.) Kamuf, P., (ed.) Hamacher, W. (ed), Wellbery, D., Stanford University Press, 1996.
Robbe-Grillet, Allan, Jealousy (La Jalousie) , Les Editions Minuit, 1957.
Shaviro, S., Without Criteria: Kant, Whitehead, Deleuze, and Aesthetics, Massachussetts Institute of Technology, 2009.
Bibliography
Readings
Agamben, G., The Open: Man and Animal, (Trans. Attel, Kevin), Stanford University Press, 2004.
Barthes, R., A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments, Harper Collins Canada Ltd, Inc, Canada, 1978.
Braidotti, R., Pisters, P. (Eds), Revisiting Normativity with Deleuze, Bloomsbury Academic, Bloomsbury Publishing Plc, 2012.
Dezeuze, A., Almost Nothing: Observations on Prevarious Practices in Contemporary Art, Manchester University Press, 2017.
Galenson, D.W., Old Masters and Young Geniuses, Princeton University Press, 2006.
Genet, J., Fragments of the Artwork, (Trans.) Mandell, Charlotte, Stanford University Press, 2003.
Halprin, L., The RSVP Cycles: Creative Processes in the Human Environment, Double Day Canada, 1969.
Heidegger, M., Philosophical and Political Writings, (ed.) Stassen, M., The Continuum International Publishing Group Inc., 2003
Hodgkinson, W., Guitar Man: A Six-String Odyssey, Bloomsbury Publishing PLC, 2007.
Kleinberg-Levin, D.M, Gestures of Ethical Life: reading Holderlin’s question of measure after Heidegger, Stanford University Press, 1939.
Leclaire, S., Psychoanalyzing: On the Order of the Unconscious and the Practice of the Letter, (Trans.) Kamuf, P., Stanford University Press, 1998.
Luhman, N., Art as a Social System, Standord Univeristy Press, 2000.
Nancy, J.L., The Muses, (Trans.) Kamuf, P., (Eds.) Hamacher, W., Wellbery, D., Stanford University Press, 1996.
Nuttgens, P., The Landscape of Ideas, Faber and Faber Limited, 1972.
Ouspensky P.D., In Search Of The Miraculous: Fragments of an Unknown Teaching, Routledge & Kegan Paul Ltd, London, 1950.
Satre, J.P, Imagination: A Psychological Critique, University of Michigan, 1962.
Shaviro, S., Without Criteria: Kant, Whitehead, Deleuze, and Aesthetics, Massachussetts Institute of Technology, 2009.
Journals
Aiken, Bee & Walker, From Passion to Obsession: Development and Validation of a scale to Measure Compulsive Sport Consumption, Journal of Business Research, 2018, pp. 69 – 79.
Crozier, W.R (ed.), Chapman, A.J (ed.) Cognitive Processes in the Perception of Art, Elsevier Science Publishers B.V, North Holland, 1984.
Harraway, D., Situated Knowledges: The Science Question in Feminism and the Priviledge of Partial Perspective, in Feminist Studies, Feminist Studies Inc., 14, No.3 Autumn 1988, pp. 575-599.
Rassin & Muris, 2007, Abnormal and normal obsessions: A reconsideration. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 45(5).
McLuhan, M., The Hot and Cool Interview. In Moos, M., Media Research: Technology, Art and Communication: Critical Voices in Art, Theory and Culture. Critical Voices in Art, Theory and Culture, Routledge, 2014:4, pp. 74.
Obsession (Book Review), British Homoeopathic Journal, vol. 61, 1972.
Films
The Pillow Book, Greenaway P, Channel 4, 1996 (DVD)